Irreparable
by Weird Writing Nerd
Summary: Sometimes, scars don't fade. Sometimes, wounds don't heal. Sometimes, one night's mistake can affect you for the rest of your life.


**Inspired by an a****ngsty piece made by my good friend madiineko for another one of my good friends, cartoonfumes, over on Tumblr. They both make Very Good Art and deserve a follow.**

**Enjoy! Also, suffer.**

* * *

Two minutes.

That was how fast the night took a turn. How fast the trap was sprung. How fast everything went from bad to worse.

Lili should've known they'd bring backup. Should've known they'd try to surround her. Should've been the one to take the hit.

Raz wasn't even supposed be anywhere near her position. Wasn't supposed to do a damn hero's entrance through the ceiling. Wasn't supposed to push her out of the way.

The mission wasn't supposed to end with the baron getting away. With his body limp in her arms. With her screaming out his name.

* * *

Two hours.

That was how long she waited outside of the emergency ward. How long she cried, hugging her knees to her chest, until it hurt to breathe. How long she clutched Raz's jacket tight around her, praying to anyone or anything that might be listening, for him to make it.

When Sasha emerged from the door, Lili rose to her feet. When he took off his glasses, the world felt darker.

His eyes were distraught, more than she'd ever seen before.

"He'll live," he said, barely a whisper. "Other than that, I- the damage was-"

Lili didn't hear the rest. She'd barged past him and sprinted inside.

She found Raz on a wheelchair, being wheeled out of a room by a nurse, covered in bandages, but still wearing his battered uniform. The nurse took one look of Lili and wisely decided to turn on her heels and walk away.

Raz was awake, his eyes open, but empty. Raz was alive, but his eyes were lifeless.

"Raz?"

No answer. No hums. Not even a glance in her direction.

Lili approached, gently cupping his face in her hands, gently coaxing him to meet her eyes. Nothing.

"Raz...?"

Her mind reached out to his, grasping for his stupid smile, his infectious laughter, his calming embrace. Grasping for the warmth that he would always carry with him. Grasping for the light that would always be there for her.

Nothing. No smile. No laughter. No embrace. No warmth. No light. What she grasped was cold, barren, empty. What she knew, she loved, she needed, was gone.

Lili collapsed against him. Sobs wracked her body. Tears spilled down her cheeks again.

Raz was here, but he's gone.

* * *

Two days.

That was how long his family were forced to wait until they were finally cleared to visit him. Psychonautical bureaucracy could be complete nonsense sometimes, keeping his own family from seeing him. One of the many things she'd change once she becomes the Grand Head.

They arrived with Milla. Augustus and Donatella looked like they haven't slept since they first heard the news. Dion and Frazie didn't seem to be faring much better. Mirtala and Queepie were still too young to fully understand what had happened, but they understood it was something upsetting, and that was enough for them to wear looks of confusion and distress. They rushed to Raz's bedside, forcing Lili aside, whether they realized it or not. Lili kept her silence, and chose to wait outside.

They spent hours with him. Lili tried not to watch through the window, but occasionally the temptation wore her down. She'd glance once, and saw Augustus trying to make small talk with his son. Another time she'd glance, and saw Queepie waving a plastic action figure in front of his brother, goading him to play.

Milla stayed, waiting outside the room with her, for a while. Neither of them talked, or even really acknowledged each other, but the silence was nice. It was comforting, to simply exist, and to have their existence be enough to reassure one another. Time passed, and Milla took her leave - duty calls, she claimed. More time passed, until Lili was startled out of her thoughts when a gaggle of nurses walked past her and into the room. Must be time for a check-up. The Aquatos were urged to leave for the moment, and they obliged. With heavy steps and heavy hearts, one after another, they left the room, walking past Lili.

Frazie didn't even notice her. Her eyes were too wet and red from crying.

Dion shouldered her aside. It was deliberate. It stung. It was the least that she deserved.

Mirtala looked like she understood the situation better. The frown etched on her visage was darker and deeper than it should for a girl her age.

Queepie recognized her, and waved with a polite smile. Lili tried, really tried, to do the same, but her hands were frozen and the corners of her lips were impossible to lift. He walked away, pouting, never receiving a smile.

Lili lowered her eyes when Augustus and Donatella walked in front of her. When their shoes stopped, she flinched. She knew this was coming, and slowly looked up. She expected anger, even hate. When she meet their eyes, all she saw was grief, and sorrow. Not just for their son, but for her.

Her surprise must've shown on her face, because the ghost of a smile graced Donatella's lips for a fleeting moment. She leaned closer to Augustus' ear.

"I'll keep an eye on the children," she said, planting a quick peck on his cheek, before leaving after her children. Leaving Lili alone with Augustus.

Augustus said nothing. He simply lowered himself to one knee and spread his arms open, wearing a small, gentle smile. Like a magnet, she was drawn in. Her feet moved on their own. When he wrapped his arms around her, tears flowed down her cheeks once more.

"It's not your fault," he said, gently, over and over again. "It's not your fault."

Lili never realized how much she needed to hear that.

* * *

Two weeks.

That was how long Raz spent under intensive care. He was treated by the best doctors the Psychonauts could spare. His eyes were still as empty as it were during that first night.

Lili arranged for him to be relocated to the best medical facility the organization had available. His family would always be permitted to visit him, no exceptions. Any expenses would be reimbursed straight from the Zanotto family fortune. Anyone saying Raz was receiving special treatment could go fuck themselves.

The room they placed Raz in was cold. Sterile. Clinical. Nothing about it felt like home. She'd have that changed soon enough.

Lili took his hand in hers, and promised him so many things. She promised she'd visit everyday. She promised the baron would pay, even if it wouldn't bring him back. She promised she'd run out of tears to shed, that she wouldn't let herself wallow in despair.

Doctors entered, Sasha acting as their lead. They weren't here for anything serious, he claimed, simply making sure nothing changed during transit.

Lili was afraid of the answer, but there was one thought that had been buzzing in her head ever since that night. "Will he ever get better?"

"Recovery is possible," one of the doctors said. "The chances are very slim, but it is possible."

Beside her, Sasha quietly scoffed.

When the doctors left, Sasha stayed behind. Lili prompted him to elaborate.

"Calling the chances 'very slim' would be a massive understatement," he said. "We'd have a better chance finding a needle in an ocean of hay."

Her breath hitched. It was exactly what she feared. Tears prickled the edges of her vision, but she pushed it down. She'd already made a promise.

Instead, Lili entwined her fingers together with Raz's.

"We can hope, can't we?"

For a long moment, Sasha didn't answer.

"We can. Of course we can."

Sasha took the spot on the other side of Raz's bed. He'd tucked his glasses in his pocket. His eyes were soft, and kind, and hid sleepless nights wracked with guilt and regret.

"If he returns, we'll be there. Smiling. Like he'd want us to."

Lili stared deep into Raz's dull, lifeless eyes, much as it pained her to do it, dreaming of the day they'd be filled with life again. Gently, she squeezed his hand.

"If not," Sasha breathed, his voice strained, "there are worse places to call home."

* * *

Two months.

That was how long it took to finish the case. They tracked the baron to a remote island in the Arctic Ocean. Lili personally requested to be part of the assault force. Nobody dared to refuse her.

They briefed her. The mission was to bring him in alive, to answer for his crimes. She didn't listen, or care. They knew. Everyone knew. She'll snap the baron's neck the second she saw him.

Lili touched down on the island like a missile. The baron's security swarmed her, like moths to a flame. And they burned. Anyone who got in her way burned. She tore the island apart, chasing after the baron, until he retreated into a vault deep beneath the island. She could almost laugh. The fool backed himself into a corner.

It took longer than she thought ripping the metal vault's door off of its hinges. Close to three full minutes. Eliminating the token resistance the baron brought with him took half of one. The man had no choice but to face her. She expected him to boast. To talk big about his power, how he would best her and live to wreak havoc another day.

No. He dropped to his knees, and he begged. He had the _gall_ to beg. Spouted nonsense about how he could be useful; with his connections, his intel, his wealth.

Lili didn't break his neck. She broke _everything_.

The strike force arrived not long after. They paused at the threshold, seeing her with what was once the baron.

"He attacked me. I didn't have a choice," she lied.

Nobody believed her. She didn't need to read minds to know that. But nobody said a word. Funny how that worked.

* * *

Two years.

That was how much time had passed when she made her three hundredth visit to the facility. Nothing drastic changed during that time. A few minor rotations in staff, the most recent one being a new receptionist around visit two hundred and eighty three. He would always be surprised every time she walked through the front door. A candidate to be the next Grand Head shouldn't be wasting her time here, he'd think. One look from her would be enough to make him think about anything else.

Raz's room was much homier than it had been when he first moved in. It was one of the first things she had done. The stark white walls were replaced with warm, earthy wallpapers at visit ten. Queepie loved to draw, so since visit twenty one, she always made sure to have a box of crayons available for when the Aquatos came to visit. At visit twenty three, they started hanging up Queepie's drawing around the room, and they never stopped since. Milla came by, at visit twenty seven, bringing a pair of lava lamps that matched the wallpaper. Sasha was already there before her at visit forty two, placing a framed photo of Raz in his uniform, taken during his first day as a Psychonaut agent, on his bedside table.

Other people pitched in to add something to the room over time; most of them colleagues and friends, including ones from back at camp. Visit sixty eight, Phoebe and Quentin left behind some merch of their new band. Visit one hundred and twenty five, Clem brought a massive banner filled with hundreds of get well soon messages and hung it up from the rafters. Bobby and Chloe must've dropped by at some point, because at visit one hundred and seventy five, she found a model spaceship with Raz's initials on its side. At Dogen's suggestion, ever since visit two hundred and one, she had a stack of True Psychic Tales issues tucked neatly in a cabinet, just in case.

"Hey, Raz," she greeted as she entered the room, like she'd always do. Like always, no response came, and she'd try to ignore the pang of disappointment in her chest.

Lili sighed. This was getting harder and harder to do.

Still, it was good to see him. It's been close to a week since her last visit. She wasn't able to keep her promise of visiting everyday after all. She made it to one hundred and thirty one visits before she had to miss two whole days, simply because of a dumb security breach forced her family to go on lockdown. It tore her apart at the time, but she held the tears back. The last thing she wanted was to break two promises.

Since then, she was more lax with herself. She allowed herself to skip a day or two, if it simply wasn't possible to fit visiting him into her schedule. Those one or two day gaps became three or four or more as time passed, and her schedule grew more and more hectic. Nowadays, she's lucky if she managed to fit in a visit once a week. It didn't upset her much, though. Somehow, it made her visits feel all the more special.

The two developed a ritual, of a sort - something they'd do every time she visited. After lunch, she'd wheel him out to a hill near the edge of the facility's complex. It had a gorgeous view of the mountainside where the facility was located, and a sturdy evergreen stood nearby - she'd planted it as a sapling to commemorate visit fifty - providing shade should they ever need it.

Lili unstrapped Raz from the wheelchair and lowered him onto the grass. She joined him then, savoring the fresh smell and the way the individual blades tickled her skin. She told him everything that had happened since she last visited; about her ongoing campaign to be the next Grand Head, about Sasha's recently greenlit project, about a new class year starting at Whispering Rock, and more.

Like always, Raz said nothing, and did nothing. Like always, her chest tightened, as if she couldn't breath and it _hurt_. Like always, the hope she clung to so dearly in her heart slipped further and further from her reach.

Lili entwined her fingers with his, and squeezed.

Lili sighed, closed her eyes, and let herself dream.

Lili gasped when Raz squeezed back.

* * *

**Can't have it be all the way sad without at least a smidgen of light at the end of the tunnel. That's just not how I do.**

**(Also I've been told that today is apparently the second anniversary of the Mystery Kids Return project? So that's cool)**


End file.
